Stay and Grow

I recently watched a movie (The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel) that had a profound impact on me. It initiated a discussion with my husband in which I became aware of hidden beliefs about where to live that even I had not recognized before. While it is not the desire of either of us to move to India, moving homes has come rather easily to me. My best estimate is that I have lived in at least 47 locations (homes) throughout my life. I’ve never regarded any of them as a permanent residence, including my current home…up until now. And THAT realization is a bit unsettling for several reasons.

I realized most of my life has been built on chaos and transition, always looking forward to a better job, a better marriage, a nicer place to live, more time for me, always striving for improvement, etc. I’ve spent years examining my beliefs about most of these issues and applied various methods to resolve them. 

  • First, I’m happy to say this is the BEST marriage of my life – the most fulfilling and the longest! What has been key for us is having a spiritual base in common and lots of honest and respectful communication.
  • Second, the job as a minister is the most satisfying career for me, utilizing all the skills and experiences gained in every position previous to this one…yet providing ample opportunity for personal and spiritual growth. I love what I do!
  • Next, by addressing my workaholic tendencies, I now create time to do things I enjoy without the guilt; taking mini-breaks throughout the day (e.g., lunch on the deck); even taking one day off each week (hey, it’s a start). In the process, I’m actually getting more done than I was before.
  • Lastly, my house is a work-in-progress…like me. The house has been my primary artistic expression for the past 15 years. It inspires me. And I’m more ‘me’ here than anywhere else. We got married in this house, watched our kids grow up here, and modified parts of it to meet our particular needs and space requirements. I also really like living within walking distance to the center of our small town.

So why my distress over whether to move or not…yet again? What I recognized is that I have held the belief that in order to “grow” into the person I am to become, I need to expand in the physical realm as well – like a larger house or in a location with acres of woods and walking trails where I can contemplate with God. Where did THAT come from? Simply… race consciousness… comparing to others. Enough already.

I’m ready to stop the transitory lifestyle and mental chaos, the endless search through real estate ads for the “perfect place” that will never match up to what I already have and now truly appreciate. It’s time to unpack my office boxes, hang the towel bars and the photographs, organize the nightstand, and create my own personal space because finally I recognize that I’m worthy of having it. Some might call this putting down roots. True. This feels good… resolved… and is how to truly grow strong and confident in one’s own abilities.

No matter how many times I’ve gone away, I’ve always wanted to return here…to THIS house. I’m grateful we listened to the Spiritual voice that nudged us back to this place, one of creativity, security and love… my home. Now I can focus on what really needs to change and grow – me.